Affirmation
by glitterbomb
Summary: Why is Sanzou so grouchy? If you had a secret like this, you would be too...


The door opened, swinging inward silently, and closed again with a soft click.  
  
"Get out." Sanzou said, more formality than threat. He knew, without turning from the afternoon window, that it was Hakkai who'd come in; the only person Sanzou would allow to intrude upon his moments of brooding solitude.  
  
"Sanzou," Hakkai started, trying to find words that would reach the apparently impassable and uninterested figure at the window that breathed cigarette smoke as carelessly as a dragon. The inn room rang with silence before Hakkai took a deep breath and went on. "A word?" No answer. He hadn't expected one, and so he went on. "Look, Sanzou, I know you're not the most...outwardly caring person or especially, ah, considerate of others's feelings--"  
  
Sanzou shifted a fraction of an inch , his eyes catching Hakkai from their corners, and his mind coming back inside from whatever thoughts he'd been mulling over. "Where're you going with this?"  
  
Hakkai didn't move--equivalent under that perpetually annoyed gaze to standing his ground under an oncoming avalanche. "Sanzou, do you know where Goku is right now?"  
  
"Che...probably cleaning out the inn's pantry." Sanzou muttered.  
  
Hakkai frowned. "No, he's not--" Hakkai sighed. " Sanzou, I don't think you realize what an impact your bitter attitude has on him."  
  
Sanzou ground out his cigarette, a hint of tension in his shoulders, and turned from the window to face Hakkai.  
  
"What're you talking about?"  
  
"In a word, your grouchiness." Hakkai shook his head slightly. "It borders on out-and-out hatefulness. Gojyo and I ignore it pretty well and move on. But Goku--he takes it to heart. You hit him with that harisen, you rarely speak short of a yell, a threat, or a snarl...take lunch, for example..."  
  
Earlier that day, in the dining room...  
  
"Ero Kappa! That was my egg roll!!"  
  
"Last one's all mine, stupid monkey..."  
  
*BANG*  
  
"I WISH YOU'D BOTH JUST DIE SO I COULD EAT IN PEACE FOR ONCE!!"  
  
"...Yesterday morning..."  
  
"Hey Sanzou, can we go try that restaraunt we saw on the way in to town? It looks really awesome!"  
  
"Urusai!! I already told you I didn't want to go, so stop bugging me about it!"  
  
"...There's more examples than stars in the sky." Hakkai paused. "Sanzou, You're the closest thing Goku's ever had to a family, but most of the time all of his caring gets a cold shoulder. All your acid-laced words really hit home with him, only you never see that because he covers up the hurt with noise and empty whining. Openly caring is probably beyond your abilities, but if you continue this abuse--verbal, especially--pretty soon even you will be able to see the extent of the damage you've done to that boy. He cares about you more than you deserve, Sanzou, and your vicious, caustic words are harsh rewards for such loyalties."  
  
Sanzou's eyes narrowed. "You're way out of line," He snarled dangerously.  
  
Hakkai didn't move. "You know I'm right."  
  
"Che..." Sanzou reached for another cigarette, but the empty box was like an accusation. He violently crumpled the box and threw it to the floor. "Whatever. I'm going out."  
  
"Just think about what I said, Sanzou." Hakkai said, as the monk brushed past him.  
  
"...Before it's too late to change," He added quietly, to the empty room.  
  
***  
  
Someday/Somehow/ Gonna make it all right but not right now  
  
***  
  
Two hours later, with dusk falling all around, he'd tried every damn store in the town and now, with his favorite brand of cigarettes finally in hand, Genjyo Sanzou felt he could finally let himself relax a little. Why is it always the last goddamn store you visit? He wondered. It's so irritating...che...speaking of irritating, Hakkai needs to mind his own damn business. I just...don't know how to say what I need to--and Hakkai, or that gutter-minded Ero Kappa or...someone's always around, and there's never a good time...and even if there *was*, it'd just come out as something harsh instead, or stupid, or the saru'd take it the wrong way...Che...if Hakkai knew why I snarled so much I doubt he'd hardly blame me...  
  
Sanzou sighed inwardly. It was getting dark...hed' have to cut back through the inn's backyard and garden. Which meant climbing a low fence--in robes. Not dignified, but Sanzou was too tired to walk the long way around...and at this hour no one would be around to see anyway; they'd all be inside getting ready for dinner. Even if someone happened to look out from the inn, the fence, garden, and most of the backyard were hidden by a small grove of fruit trees.  
  
Sanzou made sure nobody was within view, and then quickly and quietly scaled the fence. Once on the other side, he straightened his robes and set out for the inn slightly less grouchy for having been undetected. But his relief was premature--from just up ahead in the grove of trees came the sound of a sigh. Sanzou's newfound anger-lessening turned abruptly back into full-blown irritation. Who the hell was out here at this time of the evening? Determined to maim whoever it was, Sanzou started into the trees-- and nearly tripped over Goku, sitting quietly at the base of one of the trees.  
  
"What are you doing out here, saru?" Sanzou snarled out of habit.  
  
At the sound of his voice, Goku jumped, accidentally meeting Sanzou's even gaze, and scrambling to his feet. "Uh...just thinking, Sanzou." Goku replied quickly. ...Was that...fear in the gold eyes? Sanzou wondered. The emotion was hidden as quickly as sound, but even in that quick glimpse Sanzou saw all he needed to confirm Hakkai's words.  
  
And somewhere, deep inside, Sanzou felt a twinge of...agony.  
  
I did this...without even thinking; and to the one person I never wanted to hurt...  
  
Sanzou's tone softened. A little. "Che...Thinking? While dinner is imminent?"  
  
"Eheh...," Goku laughed halfheartedly,"I had a couple of meatbuns a while ago; I'm not so hungry." As nonchalant as could be...If Goku could wear a mask that easily, Sanzou thought, they'd been traveling together far too long. Sanzou could hear him, a melancholy stream of thought...//doesn'twantmehatesmemeanyellsyellsyellshidingoutherehow'dhefindm ealwaysdosomethingwrongI'llgoawaydon'thavetosendmeI'llleavewon'tbotheryouany moreI'msorrysorrysorrysorry// Sanzou couldn't stand to listen to it any longer.  
  
"Saru, listen..." Sanzou switched gears, flailing around for the words. The roles were reversed now, and that wasn't right...Goku was the one hiding his feelings and Sanzou, for once, was desperately trying to express his. There had to be some way to fix it, make things normal, but linguistics weren't Sanzou's talent, and especially not right now.  
  
Sanzou sighed. "Che..." He stepped forward, closing the gap between them. Twisting his hand in the front of the boy's shirt, he pulled him roughly into a lingering kiss, giving up on words entirely.  
  
Goku pulled away with a gasp, gold eyes wide in puzzlement. Sanzou let go of his shirt, and the boy nearly stumbled.  
  
"Don't take everything so seriously, bakazaru." Sanzou said with a faint, uncharacteristic smirk. Then, without even looking at Goku, he silently started back toward the inn, feeling more cheeful than he had in days. I said it perfectly.  
  
Goku stood stunned, staring into space; his fingers brushed his lips in disbelief. Affection? Apology?! From SANZOU?!!  
  
...It was the closest he'd ever get, and just then, the youngest of the ikkou didn't feel like complaining--in fact, he felt a lot like running after Sanzou back to the inn for dinner.  
  
I don't know who you are/ but somehow you're breaking my heart And I don't know where you are/ but like a drug lift me up to the stars it's why I'm feeling alive for the first time/ here's hoping this day won't end I don't know now what to do I don't care I need ten more minutes with you (Kill Hannah, 'Ten more minutes with you)  
  
Owari. 


End file.
